Numb
by lalaxdwahop
Summary: Lavi ponders questions about himself. Slightly...emo...Song fic Implied LaviXLenalee


_I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)_

It was strange to me. When had I become this weary of every morning? Every time I had to pull myself out of bed and greet a new day. Maybe, it's because every time I look in the mirror I see nothing; just an empty reflection. Is that really me, or is it someone else? I can't tell the difference anymore.

I'm supposed to be nothing. I don't have a heart. I can't care. But still…no matter what I do, I feel like I'm drowning. Getting pulled under slowly to the point where I can't breathe; can't fight.

I'm so tired.

Tired of struggling. Tired of trying to hide myself behind this heavy mask. When did it become so hard to do what I had been taught to do? When did I start making you frown? Do you think I can't follow in your footsteps because my own feet are too small?

I don't know anymore.

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
_

She touched my arm, and instead of being happy like anyone else would be, I felt nothing. I smiled that fake smile that was beginning to hurt my mouth. She would smile back. A real smile. Could she just not see through my mask like so many others could? Or did she try to hide it in hopes it was real.

I can't tell anymore.

Everyday I see all of you. Everyone is always smiling. What have I become, though? It's hard to say…Am I one who fights with temporary things such as friends, or am I one who will watch them die slowly and not care. Sometimes…I wish I didn't have to choose.

What is "me"? Have I become you, or is there still something left of who I thought was gone?

_Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
And every second I waste is more than I can take_

I'm suffocating. Sinking in my own lies. I can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy anymore.

You're holding on to me to tightly, squeezing the life out because you're afraid I'll disappear. You say you don't want me to go even though you know if I do I'll break. I guess I'm a lot more fragile then I thought I was. I'm falling apart. Everyone can see it now.

Each step hurts.

_  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

I've become numb to everything around me. Why can't I feel anymore? When I held her hand she was cold, or is that just how I imagined it? Did I really feel the strength leaving her? Did I really see?

I held on to the shreds of what I thought was real, only to tire and die.

What have I become? Can you tell me that?

_  
And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you_

Am I going to fail in the end? I'm not sure.

You were like me at some point though, weren't you? Everyone falls at times. Or is that just me?

_  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

I'm screaming but no one hears. I'm crying but no one can see it. No matter how loud I call there's no one there.

All they see is _him_; not me. They see the lie that I am, that other person who is killing me. The one I can't seem to separate from. When will they see _me?_ If they do, will they abandon me?

I don't want to know. When did I become so dependent?

What is this thing I have become?

_  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

Lavi.

That's not my name.

Each time they call me by it, I feel torn. Am I him, or am I really someone else?

Lavi is someone else.

If that's true, why do I feel his pain still? I cry in the middle of the night because I can still see their faces. Their blood staining the dirt. Her tear streaked face as he held her in his arms. Lavi held her, I didn't. So why did I care? I'm not Lavi.

I hear him sobbing with despair. I can see it all, and I can't get it out of my head.

I thought I didn't have a heart.

Guess I was wrong.

* * *

**Umm...slightly emo story from Lavi's point of view. Yeah...he's talking about himself...and yes, it's also about him watching Lenalee die. Yeah...very random. Bad things happen when I'm bored...**


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